White Christmas?

Have you ever had something so big on your mind that it kind of destroys your mind and it just sits there until you just spit it out?

thats what is going on in my mind, for almost about five, six months this has been eating me alive, I just have to spit it out, and today is the day. I am going to tell my roommate who I have had been living with for two years that I want us to well pretty much "break up". I had so many good times with her, but I just need to get away for the sake of us ever being friends ever again. It is going to be so very hard, but I know it is the right way to go.


I am so excited to get the hell out of here and graduate, I just want my last year to be the best and I think if we went our different ways it would just make everything so much better for me.


I am so scared to break it to her. I just hope she will not flip out on me, and that it will al go down okay.


She will always mean a lot to me, but I feel that there is so much more out there for me. And I need to somehow just break it to her so she and I can just do do our own thing...


......now how do I just break it to her??


:(

Milk

I have a few things to get off my chest tonight.

why the hell is everyone getting engaged?

People listen up...we are only twenty-twenty two years old...why oh why would you want to throw away the free time that you have and get married? Call me a new modern typer person who is living in an old town, seriously what is up with all the young "Christians" getting married, its like they just want to have sex so they hurry up and get married because they cannot hold out any longer. This really pisses me off. I think it is so stupid to be engaged at such a young age, people need to grow up, mature and really live out in the real world to understand what they do want in a person with who they want to marry.


this is my other thought. Why so many girls are getting engaged to people in the town they grew up their whole life, they are going to be trapped forever in the tiny town, while me and others are going to explore the world and really see what is out there before we settle down with that one person and be commited to them for the rest of my life. When I think about getting engaged at this young of an age it really freaks me out because i have personally not explored anything in this world, I need to get out there and get a good idea of what i want. And it is so stupid to see these girls all happy with their engagement photos, and all happy when yet they are going to be stuck in the tiny town..and never get out there.


boo on early engagements.


peace and love

The Chrismtas Song

Why yes I am in fact listening to Christmas music and yes I do know that it is November 19..but oh well, my personal opinion if it makes you happy, then listen to it!

got my car smogged yesterday, totally passed.. I was nervous that I was going to have to pull 100 plus dollars out of my back account that currently only has about 30.00 left right at this moment.

my sister actually went into North Korea..that is kind of scary to think about..

tonight I am going to see this movie new moon...yeah going to be interesting

Born Into Brothels

I know I usually do not write two times a day, but I have been inspired.

I watched for my film class a film called Born Into Brothels...wow.what a film. It almost left me speechless. for those who have never seen this documentary it is about a group of kids who live in the red light district in india, there is a small group of kids who all live in the brothel, they live with parents, grandparents..whoever really took them in. Many of these young children are already being pressured with the idea of being forced into prostitution. This is not a film about prostitution, but it is about a woman who came to study life in the brothels and ended up teaching a small group of children how to take photographs. The movie follows the kids and their pictures, many of thier artwork has been sold around the world, from art shows to being put in calendars. It is so cool to see this teacher take the kids all over India to capture different moments in their lives, and I am telling you they took amazing photographs. It is quite amazing.

Another thing that really caught me off guard is that the lady who was the teacher and teaching them how to use cameras is trying through the whole documentary to get the children into boarding schools so that they can leave the brothels. She got many of the kids into the schools, and in the end it gave a recap as to all the kids and where they are and many of them left the schools and returned back to the brothels. some of them left because they wanted to, while some had to leave because the parents forced them to. This really caught me off guard because you think that they would all want to leave the brothels and get away from it all, but many of them did not want to leave the brothels. It made me really think about all those programs that give money so the kids can go to schools that are in areas like this, how the commercials made them want to all seem like the kids want to go to school..when yet many of them did not want to go to school. It is almost like they tried it, realized how hard of work it is and they drop out and go back to the brothels. Makes me kind of mad because they point at Americans and say that we get things handed to us, when yet maybe just some of us are devoted to go to school and go to college and try to make something out of ourselves. I have much sympathy for the kids, but it made me realize that they are humans too and not all of them are starving for education, which so many commercials and org. make it seem like.

another thing that really hit is the fact that here I am in the United States, with wonderful parents and a great family, and here I am complaining about somethings at school and their politics, when there are children out there being forced into prostitution...it makes me so sad. It makes me think why did God have me born here and not somewhere else like that? It is so interesting. Movies like this makes me want to go out in the world and try to make a difference. I have no idea what my future holds..but I want to do something that is going to help to people who are trapped. I want to help those who really want to leave the location they are at and make them safe and in a safe life. .

I encourage everyone to give this film a chance because it will make you think and maybe it will hit you like it hit me..

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

For the past couple days I have been M.I.A. the reason..because I have been dead. Dead with the flu. If there is one thing that I really hate about life, is the time when you are so far away from your mommy, sick in bed feeling like you are going to die. Life this weekend...dying without my mom.

I really think everyone is different when they are sick, but there are a few things that happen to me it seems like everytime I am sick, strange creepy dreams. I am actually going to take this time to share with you the creepiest dream I have had this weekend scince I have been sick.

the dream:
I remember in the dream I had many friends around me and we happened to be in San Diego going to a John Mayer concert. I was so excited because I am a huge John Mayer fan, so there I was at a stage near the beach with many of my friends at this concert. I was in the front row taking pictures of John when I noticed this really really cute Italian boy standing next to me...................(It was this really cute guy from my school who is from Italy) so he was standing next to me and he started to put his arm around me, I was actually really happy for some reason, even though I have never really talked to him before. So Italian boy then asks me if I would like to leave the concert and go on a walk with him, I very stupidly agree to leave with him. My friends really didnt care and we went our separate ways. So I am walking with this guy and he are holding hands, people are saying how cute a couple we are. Life seemed perfect at that time. But something strange was happening...as we were walking he was getting older and just changing into someone else..it was really strange. This man now I guess starts taking my bobby pins out and saying that when I put my hair up I look like a little girl, and I need to look older and my age. I begin to get a little creeped out so then as we are walking down the beach I ask him how old he is. He just looks at me and smiles. I ask him again how old are you. he just puts his head down and says starts laughing. So I ask him are you in your 20's?..nothing....30's??...nothing...then I yell are you in your 40's???!?? (reminder this guy started out as this hot italian guy who goes to my school and is probably in his 20's but then he morphed into this creeper) and he then said yes. So I was creeped out and I basically ran away. He was following me..and as this guy was following me he was once again just getting older. So I ran to a group of women asking them if they can help me get back to point loma (thats where I was staying) and as I was talking to them the man basically was an old man and he looked like santa claus..but a creepy santa!! so then the women took me back to the school, I was safe and sleeping in a room with my friend when she all of a sudden woke me up and said I had a text message.. I looked at it and it said "why would you do that to me sarah :/" I looked at it and screamed...end of dream...


Like I said..I have creepy strange dreams when I am sick.

Not only was I sick this weekend, but I also went to see the fall play at my school, I have multiple friends who were in it, including the lead. It was a three hour play, very long and drawn out..but the acting was amazing! I was very happy to have seen it, and happy to have seen all my friends.

The hardest thing about the play was that the lead who is an amazing actor, well a few months ago I humiliated myself basically in front of him..and it is so hard to see him sometimes because I just think how much of a loser I am and how dumb i was. But oh well..I guess thats life.


here are some other things I am thinking about:
1) I hope I will graduate next year
2) 18 units next semester? YUCK
3) sometimes I really wish I got into theater my freshman year
4) I really miss dance
5) Why the Hell do I still like you?
6) I would marry Robin Thicke's voice
7) Why was Leonardo Dicaprio so cute back in the day, but not in present day?
8) wearing a bright low cut red dress makes you stand out.

peace and love

Trouble

Again, bring in the dark clouds because this girl is still caught in gloomyville. Today has been the second day of this feeling of gloomy, and I have the answer as to why I feel this way. I miss my group...you see many people find the activities that they are apart of and they be in that group of people that share that with them, for me it was always choir. I high school I was part of the top Jazz choir and along with a show choir. Now although that was three almost four years ago from ever being in that group of choir kids, I am still missing it. Today is the big day of the play production of the college, and pretty much all my friends are in the show, and they are all in that group getting ready for it. I am so sad because I miss that emptiness that I have, I really miss choir and the act of singing with people and making harmonies and singing in competition. I miss having that group of kids that had the same passion as I do..I just really miss it so very much...big part of my life and it fills my soul with nothing but happiness.

Today has been a hard day for many reasons, I think I am just burned out right now, I need a change, I need a break. It scares me to think that I ususally become sad when I am stuck in the same place for a long time, I got antsy in high school because I wanted to leave the friends that I had then, and now I am antsy in college and I want to get away from it all. But I know that next year is my big last year, and it makes me so scared and excited. I pray that the Lord will really help me to just be that person that he wants me to be. And also that I will just make a difference for him, not matter where it is he takes me down on this path of life. I just hope that I will be happy and that I will learn to be content where I am and that I will always keep my focus above on the stuff that really matters, God.


Some other things that I was thinking about today:
1) Lord, I do not know why I feel this way about this person, but please whatever your will..please let it be. I just want to be so much part of their life.
2) I am kind of scared, I need to ask for two and a half weeks off for school
3) There is nothing like listening to acoustic music.
4) I love to light candles now.
5) Work, work, work, work...oh yeah WORK
6) For some reason I have not been hanging out with my friend who is visiting, I really do nto know why I am so distant with him right now.
7) I really do not get how I act sometimes.
8) I am in the mood to watch Moulin Rouge.
9) Am I going to be trampled down by wanting to live in a big city?
10) Very, very guilty pleasure= Vampire Diaries.

Peace and love

Sarah

As I'm Leaving

Today has been a cloudy day, which I think perfectly matches the mood that I am in as well. College can sometimes put you on a rollarcoaster of emotions. One day you could go to class all happy and totally content with your life, then your professor passes back an exam and guess what, you didnt do as well as you thought, it totally sends your day into a downward spiral and from there it is hard to get back up.

Today I happened to get my exam back, and I ended up getting an A+ on it, and yet I am still in a dark, down mood...why is this? I am sad because of the emotional rollarcoasters that you are put on because of friendships..or should I say, the loss of friendships.

For the first time today I really noticed how one of my friendships has totally drifted away, we were not too close of friends, but still we were friends...and I see it totally changing. It makes me sad because this person is totally going to to go far in their life, and I wish that I was close to them to see it all happen. I feel that when I leave and graduate that will be it, I will probably never see them again. Maybe God has a plan down for our lives to meet again, but it is sad to think about the possibility of never seeing thing person again for the rest of my life. It made me sad. The whole situation.

On a lighter note I picked up my friend from the airport yesterday and they are going to be here for a few days :) makes me happy to see them again, and I just remember how they made my life so interesting..because when they left..it got darker and not as fun.


other things I have been thinking about today:

1) I have only about three or so more weeks left of this semester...where the hell did the time go!
2) I am poor.
3) He seems to stare at me a lot. is there a reason for this...something in my teeth!
4) Why couldn't I be on the show the Hills, I would never need to work a day in my life and still get to go to top parties.
5) Man that guy defines the word JERK
6) have to go to work today..bummer
7) Hamlet oh Hamlet why do I have to do this project for you?
8) My film teacher loves uses the word juxtaposition in every lecture
9) A lady drunk and dancing down the street would be a violation of the code PC 647 (f)
10) Life can be silly sometimes.

Peace and love

Babylon

Well it is Wed. the middle of the week, it is the middle of the week, and it is about time for me to go to aerobics, but I have a few min. to really write what I have been pondering today..

First comes first, for the first time in many many months I was able to talk to my cousin who is in the Navy/Army. It was so good to finally catch up with him and to really hear about what is going on with his life. It made me realize how much I miss him, and it made me think of all those good times. The good times of all four of us pretending to be in the movie "Top Gun" pretending my sister and I were on space ships (riding on our cousins backs), I really miss the times of my childhood. I had and have many colorful, happy memories that really could brighten any dark day that I have.

For those who live in a box without a calendar, today November 11 happens to be Veterans Day, it is the time to reflect of the current, past, and fallen soldiers that have fought for America. It is a big important day that really should get more credit. So many schools have the day off and basically it is just an excuse to sleep in...hell even I really fully didnt care back in high school. But as I have entered college, seeing the schools ROP getting ready for the future soldiers, and really seeing my cousin fight over there for our country...it really has hit me hard. THANK YOU soldiers for fighting for my protection. THANK YOU soldiers for risking YOUR life for mine. It is a very deep and kind of erie thing to think about. This land that I am standing on right now, soldiers died for. It makes me feel sad about how I have not appreciated it.

call me a hippie...but I think we all need to appreciate the land that we are living on, it is covered with the blood of those who fought for freedom and equality.


anywho...here are some other interesting things that crossed my mind today.

1) Why do I still like you?
2) I am so sick of college, and the caf....please do not tell my friend the anount of food he can have..we pay 30,000 dollars to come here and if it was not for me you would not have a job!
3) I really miss aerobics
4) true story when my roommates are all gone I put on music and I dance to it.
5) Coldplay songs make me cry.
6) I have compassion for Hamlet.
7) Dream: to dance with Mark from So You Think You Can Dance.


peace and love,

sarah

...Dashboard....

Life is so interesting sometimes, today was one of those days when you look at near the end of the night and really think...really, is that what I did for my day? Its not like you did anything bad or fun, its more like...did I really waste a day of my life doing this? I have I dont know lets say I live a long good life, 90 years on planet earth and I wasted a day of my life sitting in class?

....why did life have to be about finding a job, making money, and having a career? I want to do things that are going to make a true difference in life, I want to wake up and feel accomplished..and sitting in a classroom at college is really not the answer. I really want to get out there in the world, I feel so ready to close this chapter of my life..this life called COLLEGE.

things that I was thinking today in class..or should I say what I learned.

1) the guy from Bolivia is really cute
2) Why am I all of a sudden attracted to guys with dreads?
3) Why the hell am I taking Narcoltics, I don't need it for graduation requirements.
4) Dang I left my keys in my purse....and my purse is.....in my locked apartment.
5) Could graduate early if I study abroad for the summer?
6) Does anyone really read these things?
7) Could I ever get a guy like Grass Valley man?
8) I really hope the play doesnt suck this weekend. Maybe it would be good for people to see the play flop?
9) Why do I like nerds?

.....my mind is a colorful one, may I add...

well off to complete the discussion question for Bob Barker..I mean for class :)

wonderwall

Right at this moment so much is going on in my mind. The top thing on my mind is Narcotics..why you ask? Out of all the things on a persons mind narcotics...well its because I have an exam tomorrow and I do not want to fail the class so I have to memorize a lot of things about drugs that I will never take in my life...why oh why did I sign up to take this class. Anyways yes I am preparing for my exam tomorrow, but there are other things on my mind. The first thing....

l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
l
iness

the brilliant poem by E.E. Cummings pretty much can sum up what I feel like right now. It is the typical feelings one would get this time of year because of the holidays, and it is the time to show the people who you love by buying gifts and confess the love you have for that person. I am in a sticky situation. I blew it. and I do not know what to do. I just need to pray. For some reason I keep holding on. Maybe I should not let go.


Another thing I am thinking about is how wonderful Damien Rice is, for some reason his music hits the pits of my soul and it just makes me feel complete, maybe I do not need a man, maybe I just need his voice to get me by the times.

another thing I am thinking about. I want a tattoo. But I am too scared. I just need to do it. it adds character. Right?

True story, I miss my Belly Button ring.

Why do all the really attractive guys have to be gay? Neil Patrick Harris!

I wrote Jerks names on post-it-notes. It was liberating.

...I am really looking forward to the rapture. Thanks mom :)

some things I am thinking about.