yay for Sarah

I weigh 124 pounds. The most I weighed was three years ago I was at like 140...I am so happy :)

hurricane

It is stormy outside. I love when it is stormy. Alright I have to get back to class now.

The Message

sometimes I am ready to go.
I am ready to go make a difference.
But I just need to somehow find a way.

Pennyroyal Tea

Today marks the 17th year mark on the death of Kurt Cobain..kind of crazy that this happened so long ago. It is very sad to know that he took his own life. There is so much talent in the world, and he was one of them..he was such a talented musician. It is sad to see such talent diminish and to have it result with the taking of your own life. We are such interesting, humans. There are so many times when we let life get the best of us, there are so many times we let our emotions and situations take control of our thoughts and our mind. We let our anger, hatred, and sadness get the best of us. I know I deal with this a lot, being highly emotional...but it is important that I remember to not let them get the best of me and be level headed and find my strength in the Lord. One main issue that I am dealing with at this moment that has me down is dealing with the engagement of my friend. There are so many times the I wish I could tell her my mind about it, but I feel I really have no reson too, after all it is her and her choice only that matters. I am not in that relationship, I do not have to face being in a marriage with him, it is not my problem, but it is hers. It is my friend as a friend to share my thoughts, but I just feel that it is not my place...again it is her to get into that marriage. it is so interesting when weddings and such begins to happen with your friends.It not only reminds you that you have noone, but it also makes you think about the future and how empty you are. I have noone. I really feel like I am going to die alone. There are so many issues that have happened to me, how am I going to find someone who cna deal with it, who can really handle all of me. I feel at times that I am one hot mess that everyone wants to stay away from. There is no doubt in my mind if I did not have Christ in my life, I would be one lost person who would attempt to find fulfillment in acts the would just leave me feeling empty. I am thankful that I can fall back on my relationship with my Lord and that if I have feel these emotions, which is almost everyday..I can remember that I am loved by the Lord..and that is all that matters. There will be times in my life on earth when I feel so alone and empty..but fear not because I have the strength of the Lord to help me. I felt it when I first started college, I felt it when I lived in Southern California, and I felt it when I worked up at Hume Lake for the summer. I will not be alone. I will have Christ. It will be interesting after graduation because I feel that I will keep the relationships that were healthy to me in college...this one was not, and it has not been. I think I have been trying too hard to make the relationship work...I have been trying to make everything work when all along it was never. I need to stop holding on to a relationship that really is not healthy. I know I have so many posts about how she hurt me and how I have been hurt and goodbye blah blah blah..but really it is not okay and I need to stop trying to make her happy by always being there for her and finally protect myself. After college it is going to be a very intense journey, and it will be important to not let anything really get me down...and to be strong. It is not having her in my life...I have been hurt so bad by her, by her careless actions, by her selfish actions. Well all is on my mind.